I always try my best to avoid any kind of shitty topics in my blog. Any kind of depressing posts are only saved as drafts, and not published. But just this time, please allow me to pour all my negative thoughts down here. I need to type and arrange my thoughts. I need people now to understand what I am going through, and I need people's advice.
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Truth to be told, I think I must be one of the biggest loser out there.
I had a rather long talk with Lx about my life, and how I messed it all up. I had a proper job at Bodynits, but I left it because I couldn't stand the stress and the madness going on in there.
So much for trying to make it big in the world of fashion. I couldn't even stand the stress of handling a factory job.
I went on a slacking spree and landed another job 2 months later, but quit again because I decided to be a spoilt brat and hate the boss. (Well, she really deserves all the hatred that grew inside me.)
Now I am once again, messing up my life by taking on different part time jobs which are utterly useless in my resumes and job experiences.I may enjoy it, but I am merely frittering my life away.
Lx told me to make a wise decision. But is working a 9 to 6pm job in a company considered a wise decision? I do not know. I only know I am still immature. I do not have the resolve. I do not have the determination. I am not ready for society.
During my period at Bodynit, each morning I have to wake up, tell myself "This is going to be another bloody day, but please gather all your determination to make it through". I was fueled by the pressure to go to work just so I can avoid looking like a slacker who is constantly taking MCs. I was not fueled by the passion of working for something I like. I was drained easily. Even Saturdays and Sundays are filled only with dread and stress, and not the exhilaration of having an off-day. I survived a full 365days constantly filled with distress and anxiety.
I am afraid to go back to that kind of monotonous and dreary life. I tried so hard not to think about the future, just focusing on what is on tomorrow. I am ashamed that I am having suicidal thoughts just because I am afraid of the future.
"A monotonous 6-9pm work filled with distress and being cooped up in a square area?" Sounds horrible, maybe I should just jump off the 13th floor.
"Earning only a shitty salary and yet has to support both parents, and maybe a third in the future?" Sounds horrible too, maybe I should proceed to cut through my biggest blood artery.
"Having my life revolving only around work, supporting parents, and more work?" Definitely horrible. Hanging sounds like a good idea.
Look. This is the kind of person I am. Weak-willed. Immature. Wretched. Life is so precious but all I have in my thought is just how to cut it short. I am so confused. I don't like job-hopping, but just thinking about having to repeat the same thing for 10 years, 20 years makes me feel like there is only so little to life.
I am not like my other friends, who can afford to lay back a bit because they know they have a boyfriend taking care of them. For me, it is myself. I am paying for everything myself, right down to my own tissue paper. It doesn't help that now I am in an especially difficult financial period, where I even have trouble topping up my ez-link card fares.
I blame the late salary that will only come in one more week.
To solve my financial problems, I know I need to get a proper job. Even though it sucks, is dull, is repetitive, and will only make my days hell, but I need to work to live.
Then again, if I have to suffer just to live to suffer even more, why am I living again?
Except for my parents, there's nothing much that is able to convince me that there's much more to life.
My current interest only includes National Geographic, Lolita, and Yaoi. Not very powerful tools to tell someone life is interesting eh?
Of course I had my fair share of happy moments. But when 1/2 of your life consists of confusion and mess, happy moments doesn't mean much.
I know how easy it is for you guys to tell me:"Go out to the society and work hard!" For me, who had a taste of society, it sucks. It is not school anymore. In school, sure, its easy to work hard because there are only people encouraging you, not people putting you down. In society, you encourage yourself. You have to constantly drain your own mental energy just to tell yourself :"You can do it." You have to constantly pluck up the courage to do simple things such as asking questions, because you wouldn't want to look stupid, or offend someone who could be your potential arch enemy.
Anyway, I can only blame myself. I am seriously introverted, plus the lack of courage and perseverance, I totally encompass all the perfect ingredients to be an A-grade loser.
Somebody, please slap me and tell me to buck up. To tell me that you will be there to hear me out when I encounter shit at work, to tell me that you understand what I am going through. To tell me that life is so much more interesting. (Of course you have to cite examples, because for the current me, I don't know what is so interesting about life anymore.)
Please do not tell me not to think too much, because you all know, it is impossible not to think, when your future is at stake. I graduated for nearly 2 years, but what have I accomplish?
Nothing.
Maybe this whole post sounds like some childish emo rant by an angsty 16 year old, but I really want someone to tell me now that I can do it. I can make my life straight again, and that I am will be able to adjust myself to fit the society. I know I cannot whine and kick up a fuss to get the people to fit me, so I am trying hard to fit in. I know that I am always spoilt, so please tell me if I am starting to show signs of wanting to be pampered.
For now, until next year, I will still be doing some odd jobs. After that, please start telling me that life is not always smooth sailing. Somehow or other, I need to step back into the treacherous jungle of dread and tension.
Being a 21 year old with a mindset of a 16year old is stressful. Everyone around you is soaring, but you are still stuck at ground zero. I am having a civil war right now in my head, why can't things be simpler? Why do I have to work so hard for something that others are born with?
Life still sucks, after all.